The eMeditation
Appreciating Your Circumstances
Uplifting Poem
Subject: Re: Full Moon
Date: 11/6/00 12:05 PM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer,
lizzie@hydrene.com
To:
Mari
Well, said friend is taking a break today (and possibly tomorrow), so she cannot console you personally. However...
LLeP has just begun a new line of eConsolation and Cheer-em(ail)-Up (TM) services that we call P.L.A.T.E (P.ut L.ove A.round T.hat E.mail). Since you have included in your email several of our sign-up keywords [Cheer-em(ail)-Up daemon reports MATCHES=3: <MATCH='CONSOLING',MATCH='FIX ME',MATCH='PLATE'], we are automatically enrolling you for a trial subscription in the P.L.A.T.E. suite of eConsolation services. You should shortly begin to receive emails filled with sympathy, empathy, psychopathy, and a myriad of other uplifting, cuddly, supportive language designed with your important needs in mind. Remember, [Insert slogan] The sympathy of a Gemini Moon is only an inbox away!
Yours sympathetically,
Liz Pfeiffer (Editor-in-chief and CEO of LLeP)
On 11/6/00 11:13 AM Mari wrote:
>DISAPPOINTING THAT MY TRUEST AND BESTEST
FRIEND WILL NOT BE AT THE RITUAL ON
>THE FULL MOON...I AM IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR OVER IT....NEED
CONSOLING,
>PLEASE FIX ME A PLATE.
>
>Mari
Subject: Re: Your subscription to
PLATE
Date: 11/6/00 12:12 PM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer,
lizzie@hydrene.com
To:
Mari
Welcome to PLATE. You have subscribed to an exciting and uplifting new email service which guarantees loving sympathy and support to anyone who needs it. Should this subscription be in error, or unwanted (sob!) simply send an email to toomuchonmyplate@hydrene.com with a blank message and the subject line: Get this Shit off my goddam plate, it stinks!
We hope that you will enjoy the services provided through the PLATE program. Welcome to comfort and sweet loving support.
Remember, [insert slogan] The sympathy of a Gemini Moon is only an inbox away!
with fondest regards,
Liz Pfeiffer (your friend and CEO of LLeP)
Subject: TLC packet
#1
Date: 11/6/00 12:41 PM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer,
lizzie@hydrene.com
To:
Mari
Here is your first PLATE eMeditation, designed to bring you to a state of warm comfort.
Enjoy!
Close your eyes and imagine that you are in a warm moist room at the bottom of a flight of stairs. (we at LLeP believe that you should be spared the arduous concentration of descending those stairs or sticking imaginary parts of yourself into the dirt. Besides your heart has already been dragged through the dirt enough, so that is the last place we want to take you.)
In the room is a big comfy chair and a warm fire. There is a large fuzzy eBathrobe (TM) that radiates comfort and softness. Imagine yourself (remember to keep your eyes closed - it helps with imagining these wonderful PLATE eMeditations) taking off the cold and uncomfortable clothes you were wearing (don't worry we aren't looking) and slipping on the big warm eBathrobe (TM). By the way that is a very beautiful behind you have (as we promised, lots of loving support).
You sit in the chair by the fire and your troubles fade away. Maybe they go and get burned up in the fire (just hold your nose if they smell like plastic when they burn). Or maybe they drift away on the gentle breeze. It isn't a cold breeze, though, it's warm and soft. [If you have subscribed to the eRotic edition of PLATE, then you could imagine that the breeze is just cool enough to bring your nipples to their most full and glorious erectness without any discomfort at all.]
Now that you are settled in the most comfortable chair you have ever sat in, wrapped in a warm and snuggly eBathrobe (TM), you are free to eat the delicious treats that are on the table in front of you. If you are having trouble imagining what treats might be on the table, here is a list from which you can choose (LLeP is committed to supporting diversity, we believe that the last thing you need is to have chocolate forced down your inbox during your eMeditation if you don't like it):
[insert eTreat list]
chocolate truffles
a delicious creme caramel
popcorn
M&M's
warm apple pie
a wedge of brie (yeah, we don't think that is particularly comfort
food either, but the diversity consultant insisted we include it. If
you hate the brie, don't worry that gentle breeze will carry the odor
away in a moment or two)
Now you have achieved a state of pure eRelaxation, and since there is no one else in your particular eMeditation or any impatient facilitator, you can stay here as long as you wish.
And equally importantly, remember it is an imaginary scenario, so you can eat as much or as many of the treats as you like.
warmest wishes,
your eFacilitator,
Liz Pfeiffer (CEO of LLeP)
disclaimer: LLeP and PLATE disclaim all responsibility for any negative consequences should the subscriber choose to eat the [TREAT='a wedge of brie',TREAT='chocolate truffles',TREAT='a delicious creme caramel'] treats together during the same eMeditation. All costs of laundering the eBathrobe (TM) resulting from the aforementioned circumstance must be borne by the PLATE subscriber.
Subject: TLC packet
#2
Date: 11/6/00 3:05 PM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer,
lizzie@hydrene.com
To:
Mari
We at LLeP would like to remind you how nice your life is already, hoping that this will improve your mood and give you a warm happy feeling. So here are a few reminders to contemplate as you go through your day:
You don't have to know that the adductor magnus muscle has an origin of 'ischial and pubic rami and ischial tuberosity' and an insertion of 'full linea aspera to adductor tubercle'.There is not (we hope) a little man about 45 years old with a kind of deformed ear on the left side and very bloodshot eyes standing in front of you shakily holding a gun and waving it erratically to emphasize his points as he shouts at you about how the BATF stole his son's brain for experiments in Cuba and how his mother used to tie him to a rocking chair when he was five while she smoked cigars and masturbated using his hairbrush.
You don't have a pet gila monster that has escaped its cage and is holed up somewhere in your house.
Even if your nemesis were to call you, and by some misfortune you wound up taking the call, there is no video component to your telephone. Better still, there is no current technology that would allow that person to lock in to your location through the telephone connection and transport there like in Star Trek.
Your house did not this very morning drop into a suddenly appearing sinkhole the size of a baseball diamond, just as you walked out the door to go to work. Again better still, no neighbor wearing a much too small bathrobe showing considerable pallid and gelatinous abdomenal flesh was there to gape at such a misfortune and say through a mouthful of jelly doughnut "hey, life's a bitch ain't it?" and then proceed to tell you many sad stories of their own pathetic and stupid life.
You do not have a radioactive fragment of an old meteorite lodged between your iliopsoas muscle and your sacroiliac joint, slowly poisoning you and causing you to turn painfully into a cross between a preying mantis and a huge-assed plumber with way too much crack showing.
You are not in your most hated grade school class in trouble with the worst teacher you ever had because you were framed for something you did not do by your worst and most treachorous enemy in school.
You do not owe 8 million dollars to a very viscious and unforgiving Colombian drug lord.
We hope that these cheerful little pointers to happiness will help you to regain your happy face and find the little inner child (the original child, before the rocking chair type stuff). Be at peace and enjoy your day with our caring support.
And if any of these situations does actually apply to you, know that you have our profound sympathy, and perhaps seeing your very own personal misery articulated in an LLeP PLATE program email will help diminish the hold it has on your heart. I am sure that you can feel yourself moving forward and letting go of that particular misery already.
Fondest regards,
Liz Pfeiffer (sympathetic CEO of LLeP)
Subject: TLC packet #6
Date: 11/13/00 11:17 AM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer,
lizzie@hydrene.com
To:
Mari
Fresh flowers live
The best is still to come
Every one has a
spark
You receive
It always gets better
A rose in the
window
A new friend
We hope this inspirational poem from the PLATE program brightens
up the miserable day you are having. Our research has found that a
deftly timed message of hope during a grueling day of dissapointment,
conflict, and frustration can lift the spirits out of their habitual
grubby rut. So with that sentiment in mind, we at PLATE wish you the
very best today, or at least we hope that you can recover a few
percent from the most recent ignominy and shame you have suffered and
can manage to keep yourself off the bottom shelf for one more
day.
A rose in the window
A new friend
Sun sparkling on dew
Supportively,
Liz Pfeiffer (Editor-in-chief and CEO of LLeP)