Subject: Important legal question
Date: 11/21/00 3:40 PM
Received: 11/21/00 3:41 PM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer,
lizzie@hydrene.com
To:
LLeP legal dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
Mari, Heidi
On 11/20/00 1:33 PM Heidi wrote:
>Can I eat Apfelstrudel too :-)?
The above message was sent to our streamthequeen promotional customer polling address, which was set up to receive subscriber feedback about the potential to eSerialize stories about the Queen of the World (you may recall the series of memos about that topic which was exchanged recently, resulting in a careful decision to go ahead with the eSerialization based on that customer feedback received). However we believe it to actually be a specific response to the re-release of one of our PLATE eCuddles entitled "Appreciate Your Circumcision". There was a suggestion in this eCuddle (involving an eMeditation to be performed for personal benefit by the subscriber), that the subscriber imagine eating an eTreat (a list of suggested eTreats was given).
Our concern is whether we are liable in any way in this situation. The re-release of the eCuddle was sent as part of an international promotional outreach effort. The response included here is from Belgium. Apfelstrudel was not on the list of approved and recommended eTreats. If we reply in the affirmative to the query from our Belgian subscriber, what liability do we incur? We do not know what Apfelstrudel is, so we cannot say for certain if it would be a suitable eTreat for any nationality, or even if it would be safe to eat. However it is the goal of LLeP (as we understand it) to support diversity as much as is reasonable and prudent.
Should Apfelstrudel turn out to be an unsuitable or even unsafe consumable, will we risk litigation from outraged new Belgian subscribers, charging us with promoting ill health, poor diet, or even reckless endangerment? On the other hand if we return a negative recommendation to the subscriber in question, we could be sued for discrimination, especially if Apfelstrudel turns out to be a consumable dear to the Belgian National pride and indentity.
Either way we stand to lose the ground we gained through our Belgian promotional outreach, and risk court proceedings in consequence of any rash response to this subscriber's question.
Please consider and advise,
Liz Pfeiffer (CEO)
Subject: Re: Important Legal Question
Date: 11/21/00 3:43 PM
Received: 11/21/00 3:43 PM
From: LLeP Legal Dept,
lleplegal@hydrene.com
To:
Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
CC: Mari, Heidi
Roecks
Liz,
Hmm, you do pose a difficult question, and our department is working hard to get you an answer. Frankly, I don't see what harm could be done, since (as I understand the situation) no one is actually going to be eating the eTreat in question (Apfelstrudel). Thus no genuine physical harm can result from a positive response to the Belgian inquery. But it is best to CYA, so we are putting an effort into it. Some loser out there could claim psychological harm or discrimination or smear of Belgian character. Thanks for the heads up. We will get back to you as soon as possible on this matter.
LLeP Legal Dept
Subject: Re: Important Legal Question
Date: 11/21/00 3:43 PM
Received: 11/21/00 3:43 PM
From: LLeP Legal Dept,
lleplegal@hydrene.com
To:
LLeP legal dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
CC: Mari,
Heidi
Way to go people. Check your CC's once in a while why don'tcha.
By the way, the promotion went to Germany not Belgium. And those guys hate each other, at least when it comes to football. Secondly, that promotion didn't include the stupid meditation with the "eTreats" (you forgot the TM's, folks, or doesn't it matter on "internal" (and I use the term very loosely) memos? So I don't think you really understood the German subscriber's question. Finally, don't be a bunch of dorks. Apfelstrudel can kill you!
Bernie
P.S. you legal types need to lock your screens more often.
Subject: Re: Important Legal Question
Date: 11/21/00 3:55 PM
Received: 11/21/00 3:55 PM
From: LLeP Legal Dept,
lleplegal@hydrene.com
To:
Elizabeth Pfeiffer, lizzie@hydrene.com
CC: LLeP
Legal Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
Bernie, bernie@hydrene.com
Mari, Heidi
Thsi just came to our attention. We are sorry for overlooking the important issues raised by this employee. We would respond to him personally, but he does not appear to have a companny email adress. We tried bernie@hydrene.com, but it was returned.
We believe that this Bernie was actually being sarcastic about the toxic and fatal nature of Apfelstrudel, but it would be best to be on the safe side. Therefore we have contacted the natonal tourism bureaus of both Belgium and Germany to inquire as to the toxicity of Apfelstrudel.
Please clarify the country of origin for the subscriber whose question initiated this series of memos. Germany or Belgium? We do not actually care whether they are enemies, in fact we suspect that "Bernie" is again pulling our collective leg: evidence for this can be seen in careful analysis of his memo. He claims that the putative enmity between Belgium and Germany stem from football. However it is well known that those countries have in fact very little interest in football, preferring foreign sports like soccer, and other activities only of interest at the Olympics.
We do, on the other hand, take very seriously the charge that this whole issue is mute die to the quetion concerning the content of the original promotional offering. If it did not include the "Appreciating Your Circumcision" PLATE eCuddle eMeditation, then we will table this issue. So we await clarification on that matter as well.
Regardless of the aforementoned bounce from bernie's address, we are CC-ing him on this memo as he requested.
LLeP Legal Dept
On 11/21/00 3:43 PM LLeP Legal Dept wrote:
>Way to go people. Check your CC's once
in a while why don'tcha.
>
>By the way, the promotion went to Germany not Belgium. And those
guys
>hate each other, at least when it comes to football. Secondly,
that
>promotion didn't include the stupid meditation with the "eTreats"
(you
>forgot the TM's, folks, or doesn't it matter on "internal" (and I
use the
>term very loosely) memos? So I don't think you really understood
the
>German subscriber's question. Finally, don't be a bunch of
dorks.
>Apfelstrudel can kill you!
>
>Bernie
>
>PS you legal types need to lock your screens more
often.
Subject: Apology to German subscribers
Date: 11/21/00 3:55 PM
Received: 11/21/00 3:55 PM
From: Elizabeth Pfeiffer,
lizzie@hydrene.com
To:
Mari, Heidi
CC: LLeP Legal
Dept, lleplegal@hydrene.com
We at LLeP would like to humbly apologize for the recent incompetence shown by both our legal and secretarial staff. We would like to let you know that they have all been fired, and we are outsourcing those functions to Pakistan. Please allow me to explain the recent series of inapproriate emails you have received.
My secretary, a temp hired recently (you would think I would have learned from the previous fooferah), sent the original message to our Legal Dept, without sufficient understanding of the whole situation. She had the promo confused, so she didn't understand the question (not that it mattered any). German subscribers, we happily rejoice in your enjoyment of Apfelstrudel and will more carefully consider how to incorprate that kind of diversity into our streamthequeen program. She (my secretary, not the Queen of the World) had the country mistaken, for which we apologize profusely:
we are sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry SORRY! And we honor the spirit of competition which enlivens all football matches between your nation and Belgium.
And finally, she misrepresented the character of our PLATE services badly. The title, as our subscribers well know, of the eMeditation in question is "Appreciating Your (ahem) Circumstances". Please allow me to say that LLeP neither approves nor condemns the practice of circumcision, nor does it judge anyone on whether or not this procedure was performed on them at any point in their lives.
Unfortunately our legal department lacks basic eBusiness acumen and international vision, which only served to throw gasoline on an already hot fire. We hope that our Pakistani service providers will help things to run smoothly in the future.
Our "thanks" to "Bernie" for trying to "straighten things out", but we are firing him as well, because he could have done a lot more to control the situation if he had not perpetuated the same inappropriate distribution list he was pointing out to the legal dept. Frankly, I think he is a smart-mouthed trouble-maker and we are well rid of him!
We hope that our subscribers, both domestic and international, will forgive this unpleasant glimpse into a company housecleaning that was long overdue, and will keep their subscriptions with us, because you know that we live to entertain.
A little Gemini sparkle from the moon to your inbox!
Humbly,
Liz Pfeiffer (Editor-in-Chief and CEO of LLeP)